After writing my list of New Year's resolutions in my last blog, here's a list of the ones that didn't make the cut:
1. Try to dress more like David Bowie, circa 1972. I think Ziggy Stardust would be the right persona for dating in LA in 2011.
2. Write a book called "Cooking With Grain Alcohol". Well, my buddy Hoff will be disappointed about that one not making my list.
3. Do more charity work in regard to the underfunded catastrophe of those really bad boob jobs that leave the Panama Canal in the middle of women's chests.
4. Read Snooki's new book, see how it compares to the work of the young Jane Austen. Or Lauren Conrad, at least.
5. Buy a pony. For the meat.
6. Work more product placement into my conversations. January was going to be devoted to Garnier Fructis (said in a lusty, passionate manner).
7. Get more involved with the community by getting into more back-alley dice games.
8. Slightly related to number five, refer to peeing as "Taking my baloney pony out for a spritzing."
9. Start an impromptu, all-homeless dance sequence of opening number from "Newsies".
10. Make my own DVD commentary for every episode of "Caroline in the City", see if they'll use it. "Nothing funny here...nope, not yet...wait...no..."
11. Get a tattoo of ESPN baseball writer Buster Olney on my right shoulder blade.
12. Try to combat negative persona of Tourette's patients by giving them scarves and fedoras. Then people would just think they were food critics.