Tuesday, April 21, 2009

worst porn star names ever

Okay, I'm due to write a blog about two events that happened recently: the premiere of "Tyson" and Coachella. But since it's late, I'm going to keep this simple. Here are the five worst porn star names that I can come up with on short notice:

1. Flaccido Domingo
2. Rod Shingles
3. Lance Boil
4. Agnes Poorhead
5. Becky Terria

I welcome your own suggestions.

Monday, February 23, 2009

moments, part one

Someone that didn't work at 7-11 once said that life is made of moments. Since that is the case, I've decided to put together a handful of moments that have meant something to me. I have a hunch that, as my life passes before my eyes before I walk through the tunnel of light, some of these will appear before me. Some are real simple, and to me that's quite alright.

Obviously, there are many more, I just went with 20 (not so) random ones...maybe this will be a continuing series.

- My first stage moment, narrating the Thanksgiving Play at Bovard Elementary School. I was a natural stage presence.

- Playing strikeout with my brother in the backyard of my grandmother's house with a wiffleball bat filled with newspaper and covered with electrical tape.

- Standing in the boy's bathroom of Franklin Elementary School, wearing a Lynn Swann jersey, laughing at the joke the assistant gym coach said as I am staring in the mirror at my nose that I just broke, tears and blood rolling down my face. I had just run into a pole. Maybe even at 12 I knew the comedy of the moment.

- Striking out Rhett Tigner on three pitches in little league after my brother left the game after going 3-0 on him. Nobody was hitting my curveball that day.

- Standing at the podium in junior high school, giving my speech for class vice president (wearing a different wide receiver's jersey, coincidentally - my brother's Harold Carmichael Eagles' jersey), and the crowd starting a "HU-GUS" chant. I won that election, thankfully.

- Junior High School again, not realizing that I was the only person that didn't know that everyone knew that I had a crush on Katie Stone, including Katie. Never write a secret admirer note that gives away an obvious clue, such as that I am a twin, unless you are able to step up and admit it.

- First kiss, Lisa S. But she kissed everyone. Maybe that's why she was pregnant at 19.

- Visiting my dad's house in the summer, playing Hide and Seek over the whole block, the sun desperately trying to stay up. It lost, but it would make up for it the next day.

- At my junior high school with Josh the day before life as high school students began, both on our bikes, both scared as shit and frighteningly philosophical.

- Lying on the floor in the dark listening to records as a teenager. For some reason, kids think that they're the only ones that do this, like they're deep or something.

- Another bored moment in Pennsylvania, pretending to do espionage on the corner of third street, wearing my grandfather's army jacket. Mark wore a helmet and shades and sat a suitcase next to me. He left, then I walked away. People just thought we were on drugs.

- Walking into a junior's party as seniors with a Sparklett's bottle and stealing half the beer and leaving.

- Sitting at the desk and wanting to crawl under it when I told 39 of the prettiest girls in school (and one ugly one) my phone number and only the ugly one wanted to write it down. As a matter of fact, I did crawl under it.

- A soccer field, a baseball jacket, and a stomach full of butterflies.

- One block of the Promenade when Heather and I successfully acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. That was an incredibly brief moment that did not last, but it was a very nice one.

- Driving to Vegas with my brother after being bored at a Melrose party, getting there at 2:30, gambling for two hours, and driving back home. It was worth it.

- Running naked down the track when the White Sox won the World Series. Let me amend that. I wore a white sock.

- Wilco at the Wiltern, blasting through "Misunderstood", Jeff Tweedy yelling the word "NOTHING" for the 15th time.

- Sitting on a roof, drinking a glass of wine, boombox on the side, reconciling.

- The Arcade Fire making me realize that more was happening at that very moment than I will ever understand, and that someone might just be looking down at me.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

ladies and gentlemen, the "gawdawful" has begun

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a gambling streak in me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type to lose rent and food money while betting it all on a a roulette table. I like little bets, fun bets, something to add a little excitement to an otherwise boring day. Thankfully, there are people in my office who have the same desire for excitement as I do, especially my friend, David. We bet on golf putts, television reality shows (I've got three of the four remaining girls on "The Bachelor", and I don't even watch), which person is going to embarrass themselves at the company function, etc., etc., and usually for a few bucks. A few of the other people in the office join in on occasion, and no one has lost anything more than a few dollars and the shame of losing to an obnoxious winner.

Anyway, I'm at the pharmacy tonight, waiting for a prescription of steroids for my cough (it's a Herculean cough, therefore, need the Barry Bonds). I'm standing there, and I see medical scrubs for $8.99. My mom is a nurse, and when I was a kid I'd swipe some of her scrub shirts to sleep in, as they are surprisingly comfortable. So I'm looking at them, and I come across one of the ugliest shirts I have ever seen in my life. Let's just say that it is a medical scrub shirt with playful cartoon puppies on it. And, to top it off, they have it in the size of XXL.

Immediately, I decide to call David. "I've got this incredibly ugly shirt here - we need to work it into a bet." He agreed, naturally, but he didn't go for the bet where one of us would have to wear it to work (you see, he's a man of "high standing" at our company, reminding me that I am a menial lackey). Therefore, we decided that someone will be wearing this shirt at our next golf tournament that we hold annually for a good cause, the Cesar Morales Needs Help Growing A Mustache Foundation for the Criminally Hairless. 

I'm not going to put the shirt up here...yet. I'll save it for when the "winner" gets the honor of wearing it. I wore pajamas last year on the course, so this shirt isn't going to bother me too much, but it really is an ugly, ugly shirt. I haven't figured a bet out, but what I'm thinking is a random raffle, and the person that gets the winning number wins a small amount of money, but in return has to wear the shirt (and if they don't, they have to pay double back. I call this "The Gawdawful". I welcome your comments if you have a way to improve this bet.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

i picked the wrong business to be in...

There was a part of me that always wanted to do comedy. I held back, mainly because most of the people that I knew or read about in that profession seemed to be unhappy, bitter people that were willing to stab one in the back. Before you say "Shawn, you would've been perfect for comedy!", it's not the personal traits that I'd want to pursue. That being said, something that I saw tonight made me realize that I may have made a mistake.

You see the picture above. That's Elizabeth Moss from "Mad Men", otherwise known as the redhead. I haven't started watching it, yet, but I've heard about the redhead. The guy in the picture is Fred Armisen, from "Saturday Night Live". I think he's amusing - more or less - but I do have one friend that openly despises him and thinks he's the least funny guy in show business.

Anyway, they're getting married. That's right, married. Now, no knocks on Armisen's looks (but, really, I am knocking), but he sure as hell must be a funny guy in person. Also, Armisen used to date Petra Haden, another woman whom I dig greatly. This man has pulled at least two women that I would be proud to call my own (as far as I know, at least - they could be freaks, perhaps), and I have to believe "Saturday Night Live" has a lot to do with it. 

There's an article that appeared recently about the amazing ability of David Spade to succeed with the ladies, and while it was stated that it is more about his personality than his fame, I'm sure his success in comedy did not hurt him.

Anyway, is it true that women are looking for men that make them laugh? I'm still trying to figure that one out. But God bless Fred Armisen. 

Monday, January 12, 2009

names for bands i'll never be in

I'm one of those people that will never be in a band. I wish that I had musical ability, but after watching a couple of my friends sit down at the drums and guitar and play them effortlessly at the Seattle Music Experience while I clumsily attacked a poor, defenseless guitar, it is clear that a career on stage is not in the cards for me. That is a shame, because I know that if I ever was in a band, it would have a kick-ass name.

Over the course of time, I have come up with a few band names that I think are worthy of the Hollywood Bowl (or maybe just Smell or Spaceland). Here are some old and new names mixed together. If you have a band and want to use one of these names, please just remember to tell people where you got it from. I'd like to have at least some footnote in rock music history.

Gratuitous Studebaker
Black Pasta
Slow White Bronco
The Rude Lads
The Martin Landau Accident
The Flesh Pops
Suburb Fabulous
Gosh Darn!
The Klecko Maniacs
Baggage Claim
The Satin Pillowcase Romantics
Teddy Ruxpin Abuse
Bilge Pop
Milk Truck of Funk
Kraken Release Therapy
Plenty of Notes (or, Notes Aplenty)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

What She Said

Following my brother's blog, just for the heck of it, I am playing his ITunes game - partially because I'm curious of the answers, partially to see just how different my answers end up to my brother (our musical tastes are, to say the least, different).

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

1)IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY?" YOU SAY: "Winterlong", the Pixies. No idea.

2)WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? "Near Wild Heaven", R.E.M. Can't complain there.

3)WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "Sour Times", Portishead. "Nobody LOVES me, yes it's true..." I guess I like pessimists. Hmmm.

4)HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? "So You'll Aim Toward the Sky", Grandaddy. I did feel a little optimistic. :)

5)WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? "Muscle'n Flo", Menomena. Will get back to you.

6)WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? "Electioneering", Radiohead. I'll just say that "OK Computer" is one hell of an album and leave it at that, although I guess I'm a political person in many ways.

7)WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? "The Center of the World", Bright Eyes. I wish. :)

8)WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Sensitive Euro Man", Pavement. Okay, that's disturbing.

9)WHAT IS 2+2? "High on Cruel", Neko Case and her Boyfriends. Logic is Bad? 

10)WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? "My Old Man", the Walkmen. Hee-hee.

11)WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "This is All I Came to Do", Dinosaur Jr. Again, funny.

12)WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "Takin a Ride", The Replacements. Wheeeeeeee.

13)WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "Greenville", Lucinda Williams. "I don't love you anymore, so go home," more or less. That could've gone somewhere else better.

14)WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "You're No Rock 'n Roll Fun", Sleater-Kinney. God, I hope not.

15)WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "Misunderstood", Jeff Tweedy. Ain't that the truth.

16)WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Bewilderbeast", Badly Drawn Boy. Okay, this ain't too bad here. It's an instrumental song, kind of chamber pop. Wouldn't be the ideal song, but it could've been worse. Like "Sensitive Euro Man".

17)WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "Come Back Margaret", Camera Obscura. Who in the hell is Margaret?

18)WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "Jackals, False Grails: The Lonesome Era", Pavement. This one just opened up about two hours of therapy right there.

19)WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? "Med sud i eyrum", Sigur Ros. It's such a big secret, it's Icelandic.

20)WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Etoh", the Avalanches. Okay, we've really hit the gibberish portion of this questionnaire.

21)WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? "Woodgrain", Wilco. Probably could stretch this into a coffin reference.

22)HOW WILL YOU DIE? "Folk Jam", Pavement. Great, I'm going to be one of those hippies that has a heart attack while dancing poorly.

23)WHAT IS THE ONE THING THAT YOU REGRET? "We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed", Los Campesinos. I regret that I am so damn pretty.

24)WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? "Sleep Now in the Fire", Rage Against the Machine. Yep, when I think comedy, I think Zack de la Rocha.

25)WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? "On Bedford and Grand", the Besnard Lakes. They do some sad songs ("Disaster" would've really hit the mark), but this one misses.

26)WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? "Lazy Flies", Beck. Maybe I need to get out there a little more...

27)WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? "Shame", PJ Harvey. Well...(thinking of a clever response).

28)DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? "It's Only Love", the Beatles. Which way should I take this answer?

29)IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? "One of Us", Joan Osborne. I have an answer here, but I refuse to say it.

30)WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? "Strange", R.E.M. "There's something going on that's not quite right, uh-huh." I'll get back to you.

31)WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? "What She Said", the Smiths. So I will.

32)HOW DOES THE WORLD SEE YOU? "My First Mine", Pavement. Two things, 1) sensing I'm a bit of an egotist; 2)a lot of Pavement so far!

33)WILL I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE? "Grace", Jeff Buckley. Okie-dokie.

34)WHAT DO MY FRIENDS REALLY THINK OF ME? "Except for the Ghosts", Lisa Germano. Comes from an album of an autobiographical nature of a woman who got her ass kicked by the bottle. Greeeeeeaaaaaaatttttt.

35)DO PEOPLE SECRETLY LUST AFTER ME? "What a Waste", Sonic Youth. It's a waste because they don't act on it.

36)HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY? "Full on Idle", the Breeders. Hit the gas, kid.

37)WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE? "Subbacultcha", Pixies. Time to get my indie cred back.

38)WILL I EVER HAVE CHILDREN? "Superstar", Lupe Fiasco (feat. Matthew Santos).  I'm taking this as I'm going to be a great dad.

39)WHAT IS SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME? "Planet of Sound", Pixies. A lot of Pixies, too. My shuffle is stuck on the letter "P". As for what this means, guess I should just rock.

40)HOW WILL I BE REMEMBERED? "The Girls Want to Be With the Girls", Talking Heads. I will be remembered for my pioneer work in the field of lesbian dating.

41)WHAT IS YOUR SIGNATURE DANCING SONG? "Plans", Grizzly Bear. Apparently I dance like the backwards-talking dwarf in "Twin Peaks".

42)WHAT DO I THINK IS MY CURRENT SIGNATURE SONG? "Little Monsters", Charlotte Gainsbourg. This is one of those albums I bought because it was a hot French actress. It gets skipped a lot on my IPod. 

43)WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK MY SONG IS? "Phantasies", Stephen Malkmus. A catchy little tune. and it has handclaps. I like handclaps.

44)WHAT TYPE OF WOMEN DO YOU LIKE? "Piggies", the Beatles. Oh, dear Lord.

45)WHAT IS MY DAY GOING TO BE LIKE? "Is This Love?" Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. Oh, I do hope so.